Mr. Norfolk enjoys your many responses to his important work. Feel free to drop him a line.

I must respectfully address a fact that you are trying to hide about yourself. We have strong reason to suspect that the photograph of your supposed great great Grandfather, was actually a photograph taken of you in 1899 in by a local daguerreotype photographer in Norfolk, Virginia. While many would find it hard to believe, I am certain that you have reached the ripe old age of 155 years old. I do not begrudge you for hiding this fact, but the world needs to know. Perhaps if you are studied, there will be a chance for other to attain longer lives. Please come clean and admit your life extending secrets. Furthermore, Abigal Dult Norfolk Historical Society who revealed this photograph to you does not have your interest and safety at heart. She does not work for any Historical Society, and actually works on a classified government germ warfare project. I do not know what she want from you, but I would be very wary of any interactions with her.

Best regards,

Agent M,
FBI

Dear Mr. Norfolk,
I recently enrolled in two courses at your Millenium University, and would like a full tuition refund. The first, "Competitive Martyrism," was a complete disappointment. Because I was the only registered student, there was no competition at all. As a matter of fact, the teacher didn't show up either. I suffered greatly as a result of your administrative hubris. The second course, "Mistaken Identity: It's not what you think," was likewise fatally flawed. There were five students, all probably related because of the great distance between their noses and upper lip, who claimed to be "me" and sometimes, "you." They jabbered on about "speech acts." As you can imagine in such simian company, conversation was fruitless.

Fernando Soto-McElhaney
Red Creek, Idaho

Dear Howell Norfolk,
I'm writing to thank you for creating Millenium University, since it is there I met my future wife, Trudy, in your class called Become an Invention. We loved all of the class projects. I am the graphite writer, and Trudy is my portable sharpener. She is the Romano cheese, and I am her electric grater. She is my bunion, and I am her callous pad. Trudy thought that you we should ask you to be Best Man, but when we learned, Howell, that you were shot in the Argon, we had second thoughts. Perhaps you would like to attend our wedding (in Honolulu, May 4) and show off your anti-gravity cod-piece.

Best,
Helmut Schoener

Dear Dr. Norfolk:
I would like to apply to your Millenium University as an instructor. Your current course offerings, while laudable, do not include anything in my area of expertise, Quivering. As you may know, Quivering is an emerging field that seeks to integrate disparate investigations in metaphysics, behavioral psychology, political science, and the study of protozoa. Recent findings suggest that the Millenium will witness a new dimension to Quivering, a dimension that originates in subtle ecalibrations of the universal atomic clock, changing migratory patterns of jellyfish, and more creative work by plastic surgeons in Southern California. Indeed, Quivering may already have led to a real-time event involving an intern's dress, which in turn has affected the political, if not the volcanic climate, of the West. In this regard, you may recall Liz Phair's song, "Supernova," with its evocative lyrics, "You _____ like a volcano..." All this and more derives from Quivering. I urge you to find a place for it in your curriculum.

Respectfully,
M. T. Perseo
Toronto

Howdy Howell!

Some friends mentioned they had seen you out at Chaco Canyon digging
around in some of the outlyers up on the northern rim. I noticed recently in a number of learned journals that cannabalism has been proven to be a primary recreation among the Anasazi and now explains a lot of the unanswered questions related to this vanished civilization. Numerous piles of fractured bones (marrow scouped out) and skulls (brains scouped out) have been found in the kivas, especially numerous in the area you were reported in. Anyway...knowing the respect you have for ancient ritual and practice...you know... keeping those traditions alive, I was just wondering if you had any plans come Millennium time
out at Chaco?

Sincerely,

Frederick Lurmlinger
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Dear Lurmlinger,

Thank you so much for your inquiry about my New Mexican habits. As you well know from our last conversation (go ahead - deny that you own the gas station next to Chaco and have been a nightly visitor with the local spade and pick artifact club for years!) that the cannibal theory is yet another indicator of Millennium Madness. Oh yes, I do remember you telling me that
a flashier theory would drive up artifact prices just in time for your 'www.indianeaters.com' auction and that we would both make a fortune if I would keep my mouth shut. Well, forget it Lurmie boy but lot's of folks beside the Anasazi are going to have a bone to pick with you when word gets out that your "Roasting Man Festival for the Millennium" is just another tourist buck fiasco that will permanently enshrine Custer as the man who tried finished off those white-meat-eating savages! By the way, those Anasazi cannibal forks you sold me have actually proven quite useful for corn on the cob. Happy Thanksgiving.

HN

Dear Howell Norfolk,

Those of us at the Norfolk Historical Society here in Norfolk, Virginia thought you might want to see a picture of your great great Grandfather Howell Norfolk. He was reputed to be quite a lady's man and had his daguereotype made quite frequently and then would leave it on the bedside table as a souvenier of what he called his 'turn of the century'. So it is without doubt that you have inhereted his curiousity about the unknown and the marking of time. We hope you will enjoy the photograph and think of us when you put Howard Stern out of business with quality fiction radio.

Abigal Dult
Norfolk Historical Society

Dear Howell Norfolk,

Your writing is so clean and sandy, you are a tribute to us all, and especially to your ninth grade English teacher, Mrs. Hackley, who taught you the difference between a declination and a proclivity. I sat behind Sherry LaGrange and was therefore occupied with other thoughts (Sherry had flying buttresses where other girls had only shadows of a doubt, if you catch my drift). Anyhoo, Mrs. Hackley's body will be exhumed on January 1, 2000 and taken to that corner of Redondo Beach where you used to leave your DNA in little packets in the sand, along with other sundry nether hints. If you have time, please join Bert, Consuelo, me and the others for the ceremony. Bless Mrs. Hackley. Do you think her battery-eating eyes will behold the first rays of the Millenium? God, it's been years, but she's probably held up better than a stuffed bird, who knows, anything is possible now that they've gone and remade Psycho.

Nostalgically,

Dominic Wurstheiller

Hey Buddy,

I've got an itch and my tendrils don't reach, what the hell can your Millenium bonfires do for that? I've gone to homeopathic doctors and gypsy doctors and they all say that the hints are hidden in your columns. Do I play them backwards? So give me a break, tell me what the Losangelinos do in similar cases. No scratch, no scab, isn't that whay they say in the California Girls Health Clinic, but jeez, you're out there in the land of good vibrations but where I am, there's no surf in sight.

Fess Royden

Oaklimb, Missouri

Dear Mr. Norfolk,

I saw your photo and recognized my hat, which was the prototype for several of the dwarves' hats in Snow White. The hat has both sentimental and historical value, and its worth has been appraised at approximately $7000. I am getting on in years and these things mean a lot to me, so you certainly should do the right thing and be prepared to part with it. Within the next two weeks I will be sending Mr.Santos, who is adept at these kinds of situations, to your houseboat to pick it up. Just to show that I bear you no ill will, Mr. Santos will leave you a bowl of my sister Gladys' fresh clamidia soup.

Your truly,

Jake Purdy

UCLA Class of '27

Dear Mr. Howell,

I am a big fan of your show. I can't believe you finally got you're own web site and radio gig to boot. Actually I am surprised it took so long but I guess having all the moeny just doesn't buy you into that business like it used to ha ha. Did you lose your connections or what.

Anyway since you now got some airwaves (I guess the Professor finally get the radio working?), can't you please explain the Professor and Mary Ann? We all know it's true. Mary Ann won't say anything but the Professor is all over it. Anyway I don't see what the big deal is, but what I want to know is how come you guys never get off the island. I mean, come on, it's not like you're in Madagascar. It must really get old living on that island anyway. I don't frankly understand how you all manage to get along like you do. I also don't know how much news you guys hear on that little radio, but did anyone mention viagra?

That said, I sure hope that all this space age tech knowledgy can help find you guys sometime. I don't understand anyway, after all this time if you're broadcasting to satellite can't they just track the signal? Maybe the 1962 box radio signal isn't strong enough... or I guess they don't want to give away all our secrets to the Russians.

Hey, anyway, how did you manage to get e-mail? "Good going, Professor!"

Geoff J.

Newport Beach, CA

Dear Howell,

Its a good thing my sisters boyfriend saw youre photo on the computer, because I Finally found you, I dont understand why your address name is bend if your supposed to be Howell, maybe because you make people bend, because a while back things happened and when the Milleniam comes YOUR SON will be 4 years old. You never bothered to contact me or anwered my mail, I wonder why, so go ahead and keep on writing your words, words, words, but what I need, and Gregory needs (thats his name, no thanks to you), are ACTIONS!! like maybe bothering to send a check once in awhile. My only hope is that DEADBEAT DADS get their due when 2000 hits.

If you come back to Muncie, the back of the Dart Dart is still ready.

Penny T.

Muncie, Indiana

Penny,

You must have confused me with someone else. I have never been to Muncie but I hear it is nice. Gregory is a fine name for a boy. I wish I could say that I recall our acquaintance but of course I can't. I never leave Southern California and wish you well. Send pictures.

Howell

Dear Howell (if I may),

Your Millenium reports are a godsend for those of us fed up with the rampant paranoia that has permeated our society. My half-sister Bernice (who is also my wife since this morning) and I love reading your reports with our toes curled up in front of the fire. Nevertheless, Bernice did see somebody with your Buddy Holly glasses and Democratic hair following her recently, so it behooves you to stand your distance. She is attractive in a fiduciary sort of way, but she is also dangerous and can singe those who get too close. Speaking of curling toes and fire, please revise your latest report about burning cars in L.A. to eliminate cryptic references to our Nash Rambler. Neighbors have been threatening to do it bodily harm since 1976 (a very good year ....Millenium is to Centennial as _____ is to yeast infection), and your incendiary language will give them cause to redouble their efforts.

Best,

Toddy Nabrook IV

Dear Toddy,

Still at it, huh? You old floozie. Why I thought you had gotten rid of that old Nash back in '68 when you and Bernice's mom ruined the backseat. Anyway it is always great to hear from you even if it is incoherent. Yeast infection indeed. But I have always admired your natty little blue blazers and yellow ties and every now and then I suit up and go to McDonalds (can't get enough Scotish food) and dine in your memory. Write one more letter to me and I will do more than burn your Nash. Now take out the trash like a good boy.

H.N.

Dear H. Norfolk,

I know you have more stories than the paltry three now on the Smitty Ray Barlow Web site. What's the deal? You only write in Journal when the moon is stinkin' blue? Come on get with it..what? Is it Barlow? Is he doing that 'make your own Website' crap again. You'd think a hard working guy like yourself would garner a tad of respect. But everything is going crazy just before the big number rolls over. Take my wife for instance. I haven't seen her since that report you did on the underwater cat ballet. She left with the Hundai and never came back. The kitty litter was gone too. Now explain that Scully and Mulder! I will wait for your stories, but not much longer.

Sincerely,

Bolton Treplaise

Mr. Howard N,

After perusing your self-indulgent, Buick-bashing website, I came across the request to "drop you a line." I am up here, trying to drop you a line but the line is too light to fall. Instead the line floats, then winds itself around me and forms creases near my eyes. So I am aging, and since you are the preminentMillenium propagandist, Mr. Norfolk (or, "No fuk," as we say here), I hold you responsible. Perhaps "hold you responsible" is not the best choice of words. Indeed, I wouldn't want to hold you, or even make tactile contact, because you are composed of gooey ionic image oozings, which as a "hard-liner," I find repugnant and repulsive. So I magnetically repel your ions (and eye-ons), and hope the Pie People make short shrift of you (if you get my drift), preferably with a merengue or a high cholesterol coconut concoction.

J. Millis Billious

Floundering Partner

Northeast Cod, Boston Beans and IQ Options

***Buy/Sell/Trade Online Cod, Boston Beans and IQ Points***

Norwood, MA

Mr.Jahmin Dervish (AKA Howell Norfolk),

I know who you are. Your serpentine ideology seeks to confuse people who believe in the Gregorian calendar. The Millenium is over (under, sideways down). Those of us in the know are aware that it is the Melonium that is coming. Thelonius Melonium (the Monk) transcribed the exact date in "'Round Midnight." Of course, your site features blues music, but you won't touch T. Melonium's work, because of the repercussions.

Soon Monsanto and/or DuPont will harvest the Melon with the necessary gene expressed. Women will strut and Mana will flow. Your whirlings and meanderings will fall by the wayside, like one more discarded finger puppet. After the Melonium, our wish will be your command.

B.Witherspoon

The Dervish Watch

A Divison of Melonium Industries

Oaxaca, Mexico

Dear Mr. Norfolk,

I was listening to KZSU yesterday when you were trying to phone into Barlow's Blues Caravan. I don't think he realized that we could hear you just fine but we couldn't hear him. It was quite interesting listening to you discuss the logic of Socrates and its relationship to vertical marketing. I am sorry that he could not hear you on the other end but those of us here at the shipyard were amazed at the breadth of knowledge you bring to Millennium Report. And although sometimes what your saying sounds like LA jibberish, we now realize that it is between the lines that your genius comes through. I hope you use the "bad phone connection" routine again and finish that part about polychronic time vs advertising dollars. It was remarkable and we have all invested in the Timodine stock that you mentioned and it really is going through the roof.

Yours,

Marsdon Hollowell

Dear Howell Norfolk,

I see that you are now trying to call into Barlow's new program on KZSU without any success. Well if you really knew what was going on in Millennium circles you would know why. Millennium reporting has become an incredible problem for the communications industry. The fact is they won't let you call in, not yet anyway. When you were calling that cable station in Marin nobody could trace you but now your trying to tell the truth to a college station...watch out...you have crossed the line..big education, big government, big White House interns..its all the same thing and I can tell you you won't find a phone working for miles around. How do I know? Glad you asked. I used to do Apocolypse Reports back in the 1970's until my phone stopped working..since the invention of email at least I can get to a few people to let them know what's in store. If you want to buy my "Get Around the Phone" kit just reply to this email and I will send you everything you need to at least make one call-in to the Barlow Show...

DJ Dial

Hey Norfruit --

Just a quick email to let you know that we all miss you. I know that station at Stanford is stalling on the call-in thing because they can't handle the truth but hang in there help is on the way. Just because you're calling from LA they will put the kabosh on you every time...don't they realize that you are on the front lines down there? Don't they know how deep the fault line goes?? Man, you are one brave fruit cake. Don't let the bastards grind you down..just keep dialing baby and we'll keep trying to pick up.

Enclosed is a snapshot we took of you and Lex in the Buick.

Deets Luxor

Dear Norfolk,

I am writing this to you on my car phone. As illogical as that sounds, I am testing a new device that turns phone messages into e-mail. Our small company is waiting until the year 2000 to make our work available to the global millenium community. We are a quasi-religious group that believes the year 2000 is a mystical moment in world history and we are not amused at your obvious comedic attempts to trivalize the millenium and the city of Los Angeles as the Millenium Capital of the World, which of course it is.

But let me ask you this: If we had no calendars and no clocks, would the millenium exist? Do you think it has something to do with the position of the sun and moon? Is the Mars landing real? Is LBJ really dead? Why is there air?

Blanche Renquist

Senior Manager, Blanche Technology

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Dr. Northrup,

My family and I have been enjoying your reports since the days of the OJ trial. We are especially thankful for your report on the La Brea tar pits and the source of all asphalt, not to mention the second coming of the baby Jesus,etc. We hope that soon you will cover the Belt Holders Conference in Encintas this year, You seem to mention it but never get around to reporting on it. It has been said by many that the coming famines in the Millenium can be avoided if everyone will just get smaller belts..and we don't mean narrower ones..well you get the idea..anyway give our love to Dolores and Lex, I'm sure they will enjoy our belt holder pot luck.

Abigail and Leonard Dolman

Dear Howell Norfolk,

I guess you think your real smart with this Millenium Report, trying to mask all the real things going on with your insipid satire. But let me tell you, we in the Brigade 2000 take it dead serious. Why do you think we are training - to get pet surgery? No, because the US military is using a sugar substitute on unsuspecting toll booth operators in order to plant little chips in our cars so that everytime we hand over a toll somebody in Washington can count it and tell the IRS...and then the fun begins..so don't think we can't read between the lines even though Smitty Ray may be a geniune blues dj, we know who you are and you know that once you get where your going you aren't going to know how you got there..and remember this ..every year what we know doubles and we started at zero.

Alvin L. Swain, DPS

Howell,

While walking by the Playa Vista Balboa Wetlands near the proposed Dreamworks site, I spotted an odd fire-breathing creature with the head like a lion, body like a goat, and tail like a snake. I took a photo just before I ran away in complete terror. No biologists could identify it. Paleontologist couldn't identify it. But I came across a student of Greek Mythology who told me it was a Chimera.

Please Howell, let the world know about my discovery (see attached JPEG).

best regards,

Boyse

A Mr. Joseph King of Port Medway, Nova Scotia writes:

Here's an alternate banner for Ol' Howell's Millennium Report page. Or maybe this is just for the covers of the printed version which I'm sure you and he will be rushing off to the printer real soon now.

Hope he's not a Republican. I used Democratic hair.

- Joe